


Remorse, Regrets, and Love

by ultravisceral



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Cutting, Depression, Fiction, Fluff, Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Marriage, Oneshot, Past, Romance, Sad, Sad Harry, Suicide, larry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 19:27:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4071829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultravisceral/pseuds/ultravisceral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis abandons Harry. And Harry destroys himself in search of the friend he once had.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remorse, Regrets, and Love

Me and Louis had been friends for as far back as I could imagine, and I always thought I could depend on him to understand and accept me. Until these last few months, when he moved out with his model girlfriend, Eleanor Calder, and abandoned me as a friend entirely. We hardly spoke anymore, and the boys were worried that something had happened. For the first week when he blew me off and ignored me, I paced around my room, back and forth, wondering what I had done. During the second week, I called him three times, asking what had gone wrong, had I done something, he just texted back, "No." That was the last I heard of him in the past two months.

I felt like I needed him to do anything, like I depended on him to live, I had for so long, when he left it shattered me. He left without warning, and soon enough I was empty inside. I knew I loved him for a long time, but I wasn't as aware of it until now. I knew that without him, I could barely breathe. I was picking at my flaws, I was looking through hate comments, I was hurting myself, and I knew somehow in the entire thing, it was my fault he left. Why would he leave and suddenly no longer respond if I hadn't done something?

Niall was the only one who understood, the only one who listened, gave me care and love, the care and love I needed. I needed the sympathy, I felt vulnerable and sick. I hardly had the motivation to live, I never went out, I never ate, I never really left my room, just stayed on my phone waiting for him to text me, just tell me he needed his friend back. Heaven knows I did. I was falling apart, and it was crushing me from the inside out. He really was necessary to live. 

~

The second photoshoot of the month, and I was going to use it as an excuse to try and talk to him. He entirely ignored me last time, but I planed on being much more forceful this time. I wanted to know why he no longer considered me a friend, what had happened between us. The boys were grouped together in the van, Liam and Louis sitting in the front, while me, and Niall sat in the back. Liam and Louis were having a drawn out discussion over religion, and how Louis apparently thought it slowed down the advancements of many nations. Me and Niall just talked about what was going in my life for the past few months. 

"Yeah, I've just been feeling really sad since his absence. You know?" I said.

"I understand. I would be too, especially if someone so significant in my life left." 

"Except it's like my world shattered, it wasn't someone, it felt like he was tearing away... everyone."

"Hey," he put his hand on my knee comfortingly, "I'm always here mate. I promise. If you need me give me a ring, alright?"

"Yeah. I guess things just changed. I mean, everyone's leaving slowly but surely it feels like."

The van pulled into the company's building, and I watched as everyone exited the van. I felt like I could barely stand to go inside anymore. But Paul opened the door, and told me we had a deadline and I really wasn't helping at the moment. I knew he was serious, so I went inside the building, following the others as they were lead to where the photo's would be taken. First, we had to go through hair and makeup, which was a long process, as I stared at Louis, his cheekbones, his eyes, his lips, reflecting in his mirror. 

They dressed me in a fancy dress shirt, and black skinny jeans. I watched as the others either rushed around or stood looking confused. The photographer called us over to the set, and started playing music, giving us instructions. "Go along with the music, have fun, jump on each other a bit." the director said, and Niall jumped into Liam's arms, the bright light of a camera snapping. Louis crawled on my back, a sneer on his face, but nonetheless, the camera kept taking pictures. Niall started pulling on my legs, and I fell, Louis tumbling to the ground. The set went silent. "What the hell Harry?" he shouted. 

"Niall-he-uh-he pulled on my legs-and-and" I stumbled over my words, Niall looking over with sympathetic eyes. 

"Don't blame it on Niall when your fat ass was to weak to hold me!" he accused, yelling rather loudly. 

"Stop it!" Niall screamed. 

Louis turned to face Niall, fire and fury in his eyes, he was more mad at me than ever before. 

"It is none of your business what I choose to do, Niall." he snapped. 

"When my friend is getting hurt over your fucking stupid actions yes it is!" he roared. 

"I'm not hurting him. If anyone is in the wrong it's his faggot ass." 

"Excuse me? What's wrong with him being gay? You were all accepting and then you moved out, ditched your friend, and started this whole, "I don't give a shit," act. Be more mature Louis and notice what's going on around you!"

"Yes, there is something wrong with him being gay! I don't want to live with a guy who is going to rape me! Besides, at least I am smart enough to notice him liking me in the first place."

"Yeah, he likes you a fucking lot. Did you know since you left he started cutting? Starving? Telling himself he had done something wrong to make you leave and he needed to be punished? He told me that over text Louis, because he had no damn motivation to get out of bed." Niall exposed me. 

"I'm done. Yeah Louis, I loved you. But I'm done getting hurt because you can't deal with reality. I'm done with this, I'm done with all of you." I said, storming out of the building with tears streaking down my cheeks. 

I got inside the van, the spare key hidden in visor. I turned the van over, screeching out of the lot. I couldn't stand being around them anymore, I felt so overwhelmed by the nonsense and the hurt and the pain. I was so scared of everything, and I was so empty. All the emotions had filled me, and I felt so confused and hurt I could barely breathe. 

~

At my house, I grabbed the shredded journal, lying on my desk. I flipped to the exact page, the numbers lining up. One reason to die after the other. 

1\. Louis doesn't love me back  
2\. Everyone leaves  
3\. I'm ugly  
4\. Louis left  
5\. No one cares anymore  
6\. I'm dead anyways  
7\. I'm too empty  
8\. I have nothing to give  
9\. There's no point in watching him be happy with her  
10\. I don't deserve to eat  
11\. He's ignoring me  
12\. Liam is concerned  
13\. Niall is out with friends, I have no one now  
14\. I am worthless  
15\. I can't sing  
16\. People on twitter hate me  
17\. I hear voices  
18\. I'm too clingy  
19\. No one could love me  
20\. I'm too fucked up  
21\. I hurt people  
22\. Louis thinks I'm fat  
23\. Louis thinks it's wrong to be gay  
24\. Louis got angry at me  
25\. Louis isn't my friend anymore.

I knew each word had been written in hate, anger, and sadness. I felt like there was nothing left to live for, besides the constant color of emotion. People say that sadness is blue, but I think it's black. Because like black it absorbs everything and takes everything with it. It swallows pain and it swallows you and it spits you out a gray color. It is the darkest of all, and it is the moment when only the brightest of people can fix you. Louis can't fix me. I can't fix myself either. 

~

(Louis's POV) 

I watched as Harry stormed out of the building, the angry voices of Liam and Niall silenced in thought. What if Harry hurt himself? What if Harry left for good? Why do I keep fucking things up? Why did I leave in the first place? Why did I leave my best friend behind? Why did my emotions have to screw things up? Why can't I love him correctly?

"Louis! God dammit listen! You knew Harry was hurting! Why?" Niall screamed, anger evident in his tone. 

"Because I love him and I don't know how to handle it!" I shouted, and the room went silent. Everyone turned, facing me, looking at the tears creeping down my red cheeks. I felt so terrible, so sad, and so disgusted with myself. I don't know why I did those things, and I know I shouldn't have. I knew I hurt everyone in my wake. 

"I don't care how you feel, you need to apologize! He's been hurting for months because of you! Months adds up! He lost 47 pounds, and his hair is falling out, and he is cutting and it's bad! It's fucking bad!" 

I knew I had to apologize, I just didn't know how to get to him. 

"Paul!" I screamed. 

~

(Harry's POV) 

Sitting alone with my razor and a final note drenched in tears and a few splatters of blood, I never felt more drained. I was always a happy child, the kind who aspires to be president and is always kind to everyone and keeps their word. Until, my family began to fall apart, my mother and father argued, and I lost all my friends as I became isolated and bitter. I started blaming myself for all the wrongs in the world, and became a shell of a person. I found music as an escape and my mother signed me up for XFactor, and I thought I had a small shot at happiness. Not a big one, but enough. And I met the boys, and things changed, I became someone new. I became a happy, characteristic boy with a big smile and always having a joke up their sleeve. I became the person I used to be back in grade school. And for once, I didn't feel worthless, I didn't have the voices taunting me and making me fear leaving the house, I had people around me who made me smile and Louis would play with my hair. And the music, the music became my focus, and there was never a regret within doing what I did because for years before I discovered the hate on twitter, before Louis left, before I knew I was gay, I felt, happy. And now, even sitting alone drenched in red, I don't regret it. I regret not living for it, not putting my 100% into things, when I could have, because I could have had more happiness, more memories to share. But, I knew now, that there was no going back, and there would never be a chance to relive that time. 

I cursed few times, staring into the foggy bathroom mirror, as I fell to the ground, a dizzy feeling overcoming me. And I thought, back to the first time I met Louis, back to the first time I saw his beautiful face smile. And I felt, happy. Screaming interrupted my thoughts, as a harsh pounding was heard at the bathroom door, and I unlocked the lock, seeing Louis. A worried face, as I saw his face in fog. 

~

There are many things we regret in life, things that will always haunt us. Some people deal with bigger struggles than others, and sometimes, those struggles lead to happiness. Sometimes, they end up with you confined in a rehab center for months on end, watching the crazy people around you laugh and twitch. And sometimes, during those three hours of visiting, Louis would come for Harry. And sometimes, Harry relapses after he left the rehab center, and sometimes there is pain. Sometimes Harry is very scared, very, very scared. But Louis, he protects him, as promised in their wedding vows.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I am aware this is shitty. I cried because I'm scared uploading shitty things. Please just enjoy, and stuff. I'm sorry if you don't like it.


End file.
